Piercing The Veil...

BACON

2008-05-01T07:17:00.003-04:00

> No comment ….’’

Maybe I am not just trying just hard enough …. Or perhaps maybe I am just stupid ….

There are so many things in front of me so vague

….. which makes me either stride or step back …. Thoughts which make you not know whether to speak or to keep silent…..

To do anything or just nothing at all …

And all of which is because you fear to commit anything which may aggravate things
…… to say anything which may be misunderstood …. Or misconstrued

And so I ….

Stayed in the sideways for a while …..

…..just looking on my windows .... trying hard to absorb and understand ... learn

but not ventilating any signs of what runs inside

Feeling tired …. Caught up in a space and state of motionless action …

Sometimes it just feels god to keep in silent ….

To watch the world …. . move …. Cloudy blue …. Red orange … then at dusk turns to grey then black …

…. absorbing all the rage … I deem to deserve ….

As if standing with open arms in the middle of a winter night… naked

…closed eyes

Waiting for the cold to get me

....waiting for all of the pricking needle that sinks in the skin that it gives a chilly sensation ... an excruciating pain…..

True

it is painful … humbling experience …. But every sting of cold ….every blow in the head gives a certain kind of wisdom ….

Wisdom that have been clouded by selfishness and pride ….. (I did not see)

And in the end little by little though it may not be clear ..... a whole picture seen

And realize
And you only have yourself to be blamed …..

But really it is difficult … especially when there are things in front of you that no matter how hard you decipher … of understand … you cannot …. excuse my ignorance

Is the issue still about you …. Or is it something else…..
What could the world want …what does a person want?

Self absorbed ….. to just know what you want and not others …..

TO MY FRIENDS I APOLOGIZE FOR MY LONG ABSENCE I PROMISE TO UPDATE AND CATCH UP ON YOU SOON....

2006
jbaltazar.

A PIECE OF IT ...

2008-03-03T19:58:00.004-05:00

(Sean Connery on the Voice)
> There comes a point of time that we stop a while to seek some piece of mind ….

Did it ever occur to you …. That you remain blank and could do anything amidst piles of papers waiting on your desk …. Numbers of voice messages on your answering machine waiting to be called back …deadlines nearing but then nothing has been started?

When all there is in the mind …are wandering thoughts …unuttered … not immortalized. Even how hard you try to squeeze it nothing comes out but then again there are these thoughts … screaming to get out.

And you seek for some peace … just a day … or even hours or minutes?

When the mind is aware that there are tons of tasks to be accomplished it tends to slack down influencing the whole of the body. It flies through spaces and time to a one serene place to seek it’s asylum.

As for myself … my mind soars … lightly these pass few days …. it’s mission rebels to what reality seeks … to move … work … run. But it goes the other way around.

Lately… at night …when Hypnos is at work it … my unconscious mind captures pictures of people … places … events …some known …some unknown. The latter …created by my mind to picture the peace it searches.

This field is the meadow where I spend to have my sweet serenity … of my past. The horse is Black Rain … who died just last year …. The exact scene where I always see him and before he gives me great rides.

Black Rain is not a person … he is a horse. And time and a gain I have told t myself not to attach myself to animals …ever since Peanut, my toy poodle died when I was in High School. But I guess one cannot avoid the inevitable … I am but human with a heart and soul.

The point of my write is …. when a lot of things bother us, we tend to search what has been missing. People … entity … things … events that has made us feel so good.

And although sometimes we might not be aware and we think all has been forgotten … but then again it was only in the conscious state…subconsciously nothing is erased …. And it remains there until we admit that it is deep within the heart and soul.

Whoever came … whatever had been felt … however it has been done … how much has been given … in one’s life it is always there.

The loss of my dog Peanut … my horse Black Rain no matter how painful would always be there … they are not people … what more to people … these phenomena I guess will always come back again and again to remind me I am human … I have loved … I have been affected … and there are effects.

2006
jbaltazar.

Rolfe's Gallery

2008-02-25T21:34:00.008-05:00

>
In my previous post …. I have mentioned about my Swiss Friend … Dianne … the widow who is living in an apartment at Bethune St. …..

Well in this post I have decided to write something about it …..

They call it WESTBETH …. short for West of Bethune. It is located at the corner of Washington St. and Bethune St. and on the other side of it lays the Hudson River where the chilly breeze welcoming anyone approaching comes from.

I usually frequent myself there if I have spare time to visit my friend Dianne …. And as I have mentioned in my earlier post entitled BETHUNE ST. she remains the sweet old lady that she is.

WESTBETH is mostly inhabited by painter, actors, musician and other artist. The waiting list to get a door would take years …..

In the lobby just beside the mail boxes you could see walls turned into bulletin boards …for announcements and ads or self expressions posted by residents. It is really a place conducive to enrich someone who is passionate about art ….

In there is where Rolfe’s (her deceased husband) den is located ….

Could an artist’s passion for the arts transcend death?

Although I only met Dianne when Rolfe had already passed away.... ....aside from Dianne’s stories ….
....just by seeing their apartment and the things that had been left untouched (Rolfe’s things), just the way they were when the man was still alive … gives away the person of this man to me.

The walls are bare white and the ceilings are high … I could tell that much enough space and air were preferred by the people living there … and to my mind it had to be Rolfe’s preference.

.The apartment is bare … as ever and according to Dianne it was bare as it was when Rolfe was still alive. All one could see are the big working table ...brushes ....the oil paints … piles of bare canvas those that were still waiting to be touched by Rolfe’s magic brushes…

.Rolfe’s works are neatly wrapped in Manila paper and piled on customized shelves where Dianne had kept them. I tried to ask her to let me see them but there was sadness in her face and would say …THEY ARE ALL PACKED AND I WOULD RATHER NOT OPEN THEM … READY FOR THE SWISS BENEVOLENT SOCIETY TO PICKED THEM UP JUST IN CASE ANYTHING HAPPENS TO ME.

I understand her and respect her choice … and I am sure there is more to it than her reason for not unpacking and seeing it once again.... what her husband once had made. She probably does not want to look back and remember…. I guess when it comes to her heart she will never forget the details….

It may sound weird …I did loved drawing when I was a kid and a teen ager … but then I ended up with a very different line of profession. But ever since I entered Rolfe’s den I felt more passionate about art …. Something I have never felt it before… I myself would be surprised and every time I go there … there is some urge to pick up my chalks or charcoals and my drawing pad and would come up with something neat. I would tell Dianne that it as if Rolfe’s spirit would want to see me draw and would teach me something.

Some techniques that I never figure out before … or inadvertent stokes that would come up with a good form … thus becoming an art. I have never felt such enthusiasm to draw until I have gone there.

The place kept in calm silence …solemn by the memories shared by my old friend with her husband …. Gives me a certain kind of atmosphere .....although melancholic gives out an air of optimism …. Optimism that has been emitted from Dianne’s aura.

I could see her as a woman of simplicity … wisdom and courage. If one could see her an Old widow …childless … living by herself and yet full of life and hope … one could infer that this old lady lives life as it is and had bowed down to the fate of acceptance .. about life ….

She would often tell me how she and Rolfe met … that she was already engaged to some other man … but she met Rolfe in the Art School where she attended in Berns. They arranged to meet up one day but she was about to cancel it and tell him to forget everything about them in a phone call but fortunately Rolfe had already left.. on his way to the venue of their meeting place … Dianne was not left a choice but to meet him …and the rest was history. Just one missed phone call …a fortunate miss … I see her eyes light up whenever she tells me that story…..

Often I would hear her utter “Well that is life … and there is nothing we can do about it … everyone would go …”

Dianne would always feed me with her words of wisdom and courage as she tells me stories (though she repeats her stories a lot of times something to do with her loss of memory) about her youth that as a child she was a dreamer, often her mind would wander… … she would tell me a lot with pride about Switzerland particularly Berns …

A Toyland is to a child … its paradise as much as WESBETH is to me … my passion …. Not only do I get the solitude that I experience inside Rolfe’s den. I also get to talk with a lot of artist living there and would unselfishly teach me a thing or two about drawing …and stuff… who became my friends meeting up at Chelsea every once in a while.

Rolfe’s gallery is not only a repository of his paintings ..of his art works but is a repository of memories he and Dianne shared over the years of their lives. An art school for me as well as a spiritual oasis.
2006
jbaltazar.

TURCO

2008-02-21T03:21:00.002-05:00

>
Two little ears heard:

That Turco..Turcs for short was the name he was called …..that was the name he was known by his siblings ( oh no his mother would not call him that name) … relatives … friends and that some whom he might not know would know that he was Turco.

Maybe because of his prominent Mestizo feature and with his toughie moustache trademark and often with rosie cheeks …a Turkish looking guy which he had inherited from his Spanish-Argentine parentage.

6 decades and 36 months ago Turco was born. He was born in a decade when the World War II begun and ended …between the transition of the radical 30’s to the conservative 50’s … the decade of the Hiroshima bombing … the fateful Holocaust and when amity of nations resulted to the establishment of the United nations.

At that time when his mother had probably been taking the labor pains to bring young Turks to this world … Joe D’Magio was probably making a hit on the baseball field or …. when he had his first steps Fred Astaire must’ve been shooting somewhere in the West … Humphrey Boggart would have been saying his “Honestly-My-Dear-I –Don’t-Give –A-Damn” line to some chick.

He is the 4th child in a sibling of 8. A middle child but he was the favorite of all. He was born from a family where his dad was not doing well on his job and his mom was just a plain housewife.

So he started early in life. He started to earn a living when he was 16 … started to put up small business some of which failed ..some were a success. Eventually he had mastered the trade of a well learned business man… a self made man. Perhaps they say that he has the vision of a businessman and the wits of a lawyer and the heart of a child .

Two little eyes saw …

That he is a loving husband and a loving father of 3 girls. The colorful kites he would teach his kids to fly on windy days of November …on how patiently he thought them how to drive a car at an early age on a summer on country roads ….His good taste for clothes and fashion.

The spirit of this man is unbreakable that amidst darkest days he would always seem to find a rainbow along his way. There will always be a sunshine that soars upon his conviction in life.

A little sooul felt …

The tenderness on the hands of this man ….how compassionate he is... not only to his family or friends but to strangers … the needy who would need help. A selfless act he would often perform.

The ever forgiving heart that this man possess … every time someone would bring him a hurting heart. The passion he has for his life … for the life and health of his loved ones …. The youthful spirit that is infectious to everyone he encounters….

Now those 2 little ears …those 2 little eyes…the little soul are no longer little but too little to be that of the person that Turcs is and will always be … all she can do is to write this post for him.

TO MY DAD
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
For teaching me how to fly kites
For teaching how to drive at age 9
THANK YOU

2006
jbaltazar.

Friday Illo Theory: Bouyancy

2008-02-19T00:58:00.000-05:00

THEORY:

the force of gravity and the bouyant force are almost the same ... ergo, human body just floats ... what causes drowning is the panic which mostly results to a force which aggravates the law of gravity

____________________________________________________________________

I learned how to swim early in life ... I have a couple of drowning experinces.

At 6 ... I did not know how to swim ... was in a pool with a life saver but it slipped over ... I almost drowend were if not for my friend ... who knew how to wim. She saved my life.

I then learned by myself to synchronice my hands with my feet with and against the waters ....

Next...

It was new Year's Day ... I was 11 .... my friend and i went to the shore to pick up some sea shells but for some reason or another we went swimming....

I knew how to swim already at this time ... but my friend did not. Next thing i knew the current of water was pullingas away from the shallow sea. My friend did not know what to do ... in other words she panicked. She tried to exercise the first law of man ... that of self preservation. the next thing I knew she had grabbed me and tried pulling me beneath the waters to go into the surface over to grasped some air.... good thing an adult nearby walking the shore came to the rescue. We were saved.

In other words ...

The human body as the theory points out floats if you do not panic ... otherwise you create unnecessary force to aggravate the gravity that will pull you down. When all you have to do is go with the flow of the waters sync it with your hands and limbs ... be relaxed.

The human body they say is the smallest body of water ....hence it should not collide with the waters of the sea. After all the only thing which seperates them is the skin ..... that which sense the panic.

When panic attacks everything shuts off. The mind can only think of fear .... and forgets to think.... the nose enroaches the mouth and forgets that it should be the mouth that should be breathing ... and next .... the hands and feet loses their coordination to perform the right moves ... the body goes stiff ... and go against instead of going with the flow....

One loses balances and agility to swim back instead sulk ... succumb beneath instead of flowing with and going on the surface ... inorder to breath.

In life ... life is like that ... we were built to face this world. And the waves of life ... we should go with it and not against it.... a movement that sways and not go against a you feel yourself soar amidst the waves.

The resilience were scattered when it was so ... everything had a piece but most of us forget ... or maybe do remember but ought not to.

For if we were not built to be bouyant in this world ... then a lot of death certificate would have made the primary cause of death as that of otherwise ... and you know what i mean.

Cheer up and good eve.....

>

2006
jbaltazar.

ABSTRACT

2008-02-16T01:20:00.004-05:00

>
In this post I will not use any words which is obviously mushy or associated with anything mushy…use your imagination… your comprehension and your wits.

Yesterday

….they say … there was something to celebrate for….but I hardly say a word about it…. Well just some words describing it to greet some friends and loved ones… but not actually such word.

Two united arcs linked with a pointed V on the bottom or a triangle lacking with a base that was the shape I see all around….I wonder who invented this shape

… maybe it is because it is more likened to the shape of a vital organ in the core one’s cardiovascular system…which is always associated to a feeling that some gets to feel giddy… some say it’s like being a fool… or a wisdom they say that comes not from the head but within… pick your choice….

Every where I walked there were red … someone dressed as such…shops decorated as such with the aforementioned shape….almost all in the corner I see someone with something in bundle wrapped in a bouquet….and or a bottle which entraps a scarlet liquid in it or a clear white depends on the buds of their tongue… one that is an elixir as they say for the moment….

In the shops… I see this darked brown sweets in different molds packed in red…stuffed animals… mostly of bears stacked on shelves ready to be purchased …eventually given to someone thus will be owned by someone…..hersheys and hallmark stock owners being happy to make a handsome profit…even just for a day…..

And in the night…. Restaurants were crowded with diners…. Some had reservations weeks or even months or a year ahead to some posh ones… lacking of which…good luck… the snobbish guy in the reception won’t give you a chance …better go get some pizza or burger then go to some quite place…..

Well it was all in a day…. There might have been vivid shapes… illustrations… symbols … to pin point the significance of emotions…the hype of the moment… but when we try to size up what is really felt … or what has been felt …. It’s all mixed up…maybe the summation of all the joy…of the pain… of all the excitement… of all the contentment or still maybe the longing….

And when all of these are sauted in a pan it sizzles… like a gourmet dish….a fusion cuisine served to you…and when you taste it….there is a good flavor but you cannot explain whether the sweetness…the sourness… the crisp….the pinch of salt …or the cooking wine which makes up the flavor that defines the meat of the dish…. It is good …. Very good but it is vague.

Even when there is no precise words to describe it… even if there are no gestures done or symbols to visualize whatever it is… it can be found in the abstract….and it is a universal language….one that transcends all….

I hope you all had a good one the other day….

2006
jbaltazar.

'WAS A FRIEND

2008-02-13T21:34:00.001-05:00

> i USED TO HAVE A FRIEND...

a good one

with whom....

....I shared an eye to look at the sky and the sunsets

...I enjoyed my childhood memories and dreams

....I stopped the hands of the clock

....I breathe the same misty air of night and at the that of the early morn's fresh air

... I see that the moon and the sun has no difference

... I understand the language of ambiguity

i USED TO BE ONE

but then

I DIED...

_______________________________________________________________

Friendship is like the blending of the medium I have used in this piece. You may get the perfect hue but it is on the blending of this chalk that matters to come up with the harmony of the images one would want to project.

What if a mistake in stroking the chalk is made do we put the started sketch on the waste basket and try to start anew one or do we try to do something about it … do we get the eraser or use the fingers to smear the blackened shade to lighten it up… about the shade and the stroke so as to rehabilitate the defect in the ensuing art that we are making?

Likewise in friendship if the balance and harmony of the existence of both and it becomes a suffocating world to breath for two friends… Do we try to forget such bond and find new ones to start with?

Does friendship end? If so when? Is the bond curtailed by the fact of death?
Is the severance necessarily be mutual to put it to an end?

Can one be tired of being a friend? Or do we stick to the saying : once a true friend will always be a friend? Do we stop being a friend because our friend stopped being so towards us?

They say the vision of an artist when drawn or painted in a canvas or a piece … written in black and white or the lyrics rhymed with music is immortalized. So when can be friendship be immortalized?

In a friendship assuming arguendo that it goes into fade …exactly what is it that withers…. Is it the friend …. Is it the memories… or the totality of which?

Can our best friend be our best enemies….? What happens if like an art work the color blending is destroyed by a splat of water …. or the whole piece is burned by fire can you still envision it like an art work…. What happens… to friendship? What happens to the art work?

When do we give up explaining? When do we stop understanding? Do we succumb for its death after all?

Well all was is will be a friend to another….but a few will always be to another…..even after death.

Gud Eve

2006
jbaltazar.

definition by contrast

2008-02-10T18:12:00.000-05:00

> Today….

Was a chilly and breezy Sunday morning… went to mass then hang out with some friends at IHOP (international house of pancakes) to grab some brunch. Some chitchats this and that. Then I went home at 3 pm.

Right after I got home I went to the kitchen to get me a glass of water from the fridge… and guess what I noticed? The dried trees beneath my window slightly covered with white. Hallelujah… at long last the heavens again poured out its white… though again conservatively and I would still wait till tonight if it’ll be generous of its pouring.

Most of these days has been sunny days but chilly. Sometimes I could see the tip of the trees or plans with some signs of life again as if spring would by pass winter this time. I wonder if this is all part of the change of weather… and the global warming stuff.

_________________________________________________________

But one thing caught my attention from the sight I had witnessed …the tree highlighted with the snow … must be a good one to draw … I said to myself a good one to experiment a new medium. And perhaps a good write will do

In comparison ….

The light colors highlight the darkness and emphasizes the solid form of a matter. For if it was only the dark pigment then it would only be a dull subject.

What defines light? Is it the light itself or is it the presence of shade? And vise versa…What defines the shade? Is it the shade in itself or is it the presence of light?

Can a white be white if there is not the contrast of black? And the same is asked the other way around can a black be black if there is no ivory but alone ebony?

I think the contour of each of the above is intensified by the presence of the other.

Exactly my next question would be? Can we say that a day would be tiring if there is no night to rest and refresh our vitality? And can we sleep throughout the night if there is no active day to go through...all but darkness… can we still call it a calm one if no tiring and noisy day to compare with.

Do we know what the difference if we don’t have a basis of comparison? Of our lives compared to others or that we might have lived or we might have become?

Complimentary leading to a conclusion…..

Like life the light and shade compliment each other with the way we live. A life illustrated with just the shade is a miserable and grim one…. And a life illuminated by too much light does not show the real image and its form…in both ways the vision is impaired… the appreciation is not authentic in the veracity of the essence of things… of people… of this thing we call… life.

Good Sunday…….

2006
jbaltazar.

L'Age Cassant

2008-02-07T19:35:00.000-05:00

(I have experimented another medium... compressed chalk pastel)

by: Rene' Char

Ju suis ne’ comme le rocher, avec mes blessures.

I’ai de naissance la respiration aggressive

Translated by: Mary Ann Caws

I was born like a rock, with my wounds.

From birth I have had an aggressive breathing.

___________________________________________________________

A person’s courage is innate… one not only acquires the attributes he has thru experience and interaction but thru birth.

And latter on imbued with these attributes as if part of one self …. tantamount as the oxygen we have partaken from the cord our mothers shared with us inside their wombs and of the first air that was inhaled … as soon as the lungs begun to function.

We think that we don’t have the guts to face trials ahead and to confront the long but narrow road we call life but then again little do we know that there is this certain potential force that runs in our veins like the verloin blood.

Of who we are … we are not made as we age but we were born to be who we are. The only differences would lie on the choice of whether to manifest these innate qualities we have through our convictions or we divert it to some other way.

Earlier I had made a comment about a post of Journeytime one of the blogs I usually visit and I was delighted with my comment that I did not want to let it pass without sharing my thought. It was about a response to his post entitled “The Persistence of Memory” and the main guise of my response was about the courage of letting go … and my thought goes: ( only an excerpt of the whole… just as those in connection with my post)

“Being stuck in a barb (wire) we must make a decision either... to have courage to pull the fangs of the barb deep within our skin... see our very skin bleed hence momentarily grief...
OR
manifest cowardice just as to let the barb be pegged deep within our skin but forever be in pain…
… like a tooth ache which we procrastinate to leave it to the pliers of the dentist...

Letting go ...is hard and painful but it is better than to hold on but be resentful.

Hard as it is to use a great part of our subconscious mind for it is a higher form of intelligence than the usual and true it takes a lot of trial and error ...but then again no one leads to perfection because it always yields to a perfect circle not a straight line”

Nota Bene:
Rene Char is a modern French poet. He was known for his profound poetic philosophy , most of it was his aphorisms. Aphorism like the French phrase above is a concise set of words leading into a thought and resolved with such tension unlike a poem or an essay which may be a bit lengthy expounding more the flow of thoughts.

Char is a surrealist which later on became a hero of French resistance. He is a good friend to some of the known artists… the likes of Braque, Giacometti and Picasso.

____________________________

I hopee the wind has blown away the ashes of the painful memories...

Kung Hei Fatchoy
Happy Chinese New Year

>

2006
jbaltazar.

RES GESTAE

2008-02-05T00:14:00.000-05:00

Res gestae is an account of things done from one who had just witnessed a startling occurrence fresh from his or her mind

Today …..

This morning it started to snow…. after a long while it didn’t, the last time the snow fell was before Christmas. And it was great having coffee and watching the crystals fall down on trees and the paved from afar my window… As if tiny particles of mana from heaven… numerous falling down visible in the eyes.

I tried counting … but I knew it was impossible. And then the crystals started to fall in a few from being numerous. Still it would be impossible. But it was a such a bliss for me today.

Well it only means one thing I still would have to put off the new trainers I just bought for a while for a fine tune in … for a long time the city has been sunny yet chilly so it was a good time for a run but for this morning ….

Continuation of Yesterday’s celebration….

Yesterday was one hell of a day… I was in the city for a shop and dinner with Iris my flat mate then…

We were hurrying to get ourselves home to have a beer and watch the Super Bowl the game between the NY Giants and NE Patriots with a friend, Christian. When Iris and I got home the game already started … Christian was already on the coach helping himself with a Samuel Adams feeling a bit disappointed … the Giants were down to a 3 and the Patriots leading to a 7.

You know what I mean … the possibilities of the Giants losing were greater than that of losing … but still we were hopeful, the 3 of us. So Iris and I got some beers from the ref and joined our friend on the coach. It was a sequence of turning the leads ... the giants managed to take a lead only to put the Patriots again back to the lead.

The Final moment came and it was quite hard for the Giants to win the game …I took a sip from my bottle my 2 friends were losing hope ..our anxious eyes on the big screen .... there all our attentions were focused … heavy breaths….

When the unexpected –but-hoped-for event happened the Giants had a winning touch down by Buress. Wow! Christian and I jumped and hifived …. Matchel (Iris) screamed with glee and all hopes were awakened as if we were also in the field watching the very same game the boob tube was televising live. The coach of the Giants displayed a grin and was awakened from dullness and boredom whereas the Patriots coach… just showed a scratch in the head … and had hoped for something in contrast from me and my 2 friends were hoping for … but the Giants kept on coming …and the patriots never recoverd…. Thus a victory to the former.

Right after the game was finished we held a lot of yelling and noise outside. We thought some people were fighting and the sirens were continuously sounding. We went out to see what was the locomotion all about only to find out that a lot of people were merry making having the same sentiments and moments as me and my 2 friends were having at that moment.

Then we saw fireworks in the sky from a distance. It occurred to us that our eyes and concentration were not the only ones fixated on the screen earlier during the game but perhaps almost all of New York and New England or maybe the whole wide world. We said to ourselves … “Oh and it was not only us … “ then we laughed and went inside.

It was just at one point that we had to enjoy the moment .. aside from the victory that the Giants had … they were able to break the winning streak of the Patriots of having a perfect season of zero defeats or losses. And the game was a perfect picture of pure faith and determination. That really at the last minute of a game or of anything when you put. I admire the spirit ….Marvelous just marvelous

And I remembered what the Altar boy’s talk was earlier yesterday in the church was… he was talking about his life in the Seminary and about life in general connecting it to the Super Bowl that would still have to happen latter.

That in a football there are several players and a long runs to encounter like life … and each and everyone of us are receivers of the ball. That every receipt of the ball passed one should be on guard to see if he is in the open … free of guards and obstacles. And when he is …he receives the ball ...run in his mightiest amidst the obstructions that the other team makes and perform the ultimate … a touch down.

He furthered that in life … THE ALL KNOWING…EVER PRESENT UP THERE throws the ball at each one …as a receiver and the ball is the goal … a direction or a profession … and to go on to perform that goal and fulfilling it not only for the sake of doing so but with dedication.

YOU ...HOW DO YOU ENVISON LIFE OR YOUR GOALS? Is it like a sport too? Or you just see life as life? Any res gestae for you?

Later on today …. Again it stopped snowing in the early afternoon… it didn’t even leave a remnant of white in the streets. Crazy weather I guess….

2006
jbaltazar.

XLII SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS

2008-02-04T02:36:00.001-05:00

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE GIANTS...MANNING YOU'RE IN CHARGE

TYREE YOU'RE THE BEST

>

2006
jbaltazar.

bad hair day and clean hands

2008-01-30T20:29:00.001-05:00

> Did you ever encounter a bad hair day … bad hair week or even a bad hair month....bad hair life?

A mistake that back flash to you at a thousand stabs???

You are sane right and you know you are … you just wanted to be different a non conformist and you get to be misunderstood. And all forms of assassination come … the only one lacking would be that to assassinate you and curtail the link between your nose and the air you breathe.

You are a person with body and soul … you have your discernment … your very own. You choose how to live your life. And there is no better driver to drive your car than you yourself. But then along the way there are backseat drivers or if it could be possibly term as out of the car drivers that would criticize your every movement … every word you utter and even every breathe you breath … and yeah every blink your eye will do.

The clean hands doctrine… I do not know but in the law as taken from as early as the time of Pontius Pilate. One who can go to court or a tribunal and air out his or her grievance should have clean hands … a clean conscience. Other wise the court will live you as the complainant and the respondent as you are because you are in pari delicto.

But sometimes you cannot gauge the people trying to hurt you back for your mistakes if they are indeed conscious of what they are doing … letting you pay for your undertakings intentionally or it is just plain stupidity …. Or maybe I is just the turn of events and mother nature or the ALL KNOWING>>>EVER PRESENT UP (I call HIM that) is punishing you.

Is it malevolence …vendetta or just turn of coincidence that turns a peaceful coexistence of man into anarchy and chaos?

And anent the above you would think that there is someone or maybe an external force making an offset of your undertakings to load upon you those undertakings which you do not owe. I mean it is a given fact that we inherited Mom Eve and Dad Adam’s original sin. But are we to blame also for the murderous rage of our very first brother Cain towards our other brother Cain? I never saw that …

What do you do with wrong perceptions about you by people? Will you just let it slip by because you know deep within you know the truth? Ortry to explain until things gets worst and the sins of the world will be put on you as a burden like the stuff in Atlas’ shoulder because you will never be given a chance to take the floor because of the former wrong you did? OR continue on try to explain until you dry up your saliva … you catch your breath until you made your point?

And when is that? I think never … You can never show a man who had a deliberately blindfold himself … stuck on the ear plugs on his ears … and made his round head all boxed up.

So I guess it is better to shut up or you will get into disaster … a terrible one….

Gud
Eve

2006
jbaltazar.

Serene

2008-01-30T20:19:00.000-05:00

Interpreted poem of Guiseppe Ungaretti

by: Delorko Olinko

> SERENE
After such

mists

one by one

the stars

awaken

I breath in

the freshness

which leaves me

the color of sky

Know myself again

image

fleeting

Playfully

whirled immortal

This and the poem on my previous post was written by Guiseppe Ungaretti, an Italian soldier of war. As a soldier during the war that he has been through he wrote many short poems ... the once he experienced along the way ... those that he witnessed in the said war and what he actually felt through his struggle of his emotions... wits ... and for him to keep his sanity and his heart as a whole.

Indeed it was writing this beautiful and insightful lines which made him conquer all of which he was prone to under the war ... making him sensitive mostly to his consciousness to the universe and to dear life.

Although Ungaretti pertained all his poems with the war he experienced ... one could relate most of his thoughts with his or her life ... of everyday living.

The poem in this post ... I interpret it as

losing one's self in the middle of vagueness and subsequently calmly finding it again ...

... surpassing something imeasurable and realizing that one is still whole ... thus breathing again ... and aware of mostly one's existence...
2006
jbaltazar.

MORNING

2008-01-28T02:14:00.000-05:00

‘I flood myself with light
of the immense’

(TRANSLATED WORK OF Giuseppe Ungaretti 1933)

The point is the effect of any vast realityof the physical universe on the human soul...

One should be exhilarant, with a sense of expansion, of inner radiance.

One should not be illuminated from without by sea or sky;

As Ungaretti we should illuminate ourselves by the contact: the fire of our souls burning high and

clear in its excitement...

from notes by JF Nims in ‘The Poem Itself’, Penguin Books, 1960

From my own notes:

sometimes in our understanding of things

we are illuminated by ur own wisdom

our own understanding and wisdom that makes us see things in our own

which

maybe right ... maybe wrong

so we need the wisdom coupled with some aid of the universe

and nature

but

amidst the darkness

we should not be forever dwell on our own misseries

but to let the inner radiance to shine upon us and make our days brighter

thus each one of us makes our own mornings from the light within

nothing could go wrong as long as we know what we believe in

and where we stand is the right path illuminated by truth

( continuation connected to another poem tomorrow)

gud eve

>

2006
jbaltazar.

OLD NEW YORK

2008-01-25T21:03:00.000-05:00

Old New York (Members’ Choice Album 10/12/07)

Is it the past .... is it the present .... is it the future
When

Chill of the breeze but no white

How cold

walks … stares … listens

What

Granduer … street trash

Black or white

Or the ROGIVIB

Where do you belong?

Sirens sounds

Her voice

Is it silence or noise?

Wet grounds … dry breath

Where do we stand?

Floating or Fleeting

Stand firm or with crutches

Straights and circles

Exits …entrances

One cigarette pls.

Ma’am/ Sir show me your ID

Are you the legit to smoke cigs?

Old friends … New Ones

Stone …. Sponges

Will you stay or will you go?

Everyday … All the time

The black robes walking

The echoes of the tunnels

The yellows moving

Spinning around her sky

Sea stays

The book on her hand

The flame on raising on the other

the stare in million miles

In the middle of Atlantic

Where she stand

She will remain

....

2006
jbaltazar.

odds and probabilites

2008-01-23T23:48:00.000-05:00

NO BODY OWNS ANY WORD AND MORE SO THE WORLD

There is no one who has its own unique … LIKES …. TASTES … BELIEFS …PRACTICES AND EVEN HIS OR HER BIRTHDAY …MOTNH OR YEAR….

The Odds and Ends of Life ….

How do we perceive things? How do we infer the identity of a person?

Does it mean that if I share the same birthday with Donald Trump and both of us live in New York … we are one and the same person?

Does it mean that Richard Gere who practices Buddhism … he alone can do that and no one else …
… and that if Jennifer Lopez who practices it as well, is one and the same person as Richard Gere?

If in my house, a work of a famous artist is displayed and you went to another house … and you saw the very same art piece, will you infer that that house too is mine?

Is the personal information of each one of us here on earth just exclusive for each?

Is it impossible in this world for 2 different individuals to have 3 … 4 … 5 sheer coincidences of their personal information … likes …etc. etc…..

The Odds and ends …. Is it not possible for 2, 3 or more persons have similar coincidences about them… or some personal information about them?

The earth’s population now is 6, 641, 114, 623 billion. Each second there is a birth rate of 4.17. Hence it is not impossible that there are a number of people sharing the very same birth date…. And year… more so with people who have the same birth date but different year …or same birth months.

And with this population it is not also unusual for a lot of people having the same letters in their name or pseudo names considering the fact that there are only 26 letters in the alphabet.

Concepts mostly like religion … philosophy … words thoughts are accessible to anyone and no one owns anything because they are common species … genus… noun …concepts.

Religion is a set of common beliefs and practices generally held by a group of people. It is a “way of life”.

Philosophy is a discipline concerned with questions of how one should live (ethics), what sorts of things exist and what are their essential natures (metaphysics), genuine knowledge (epistemology); and what are the correct principles of reasoning (logic).

Both are free for everyone and no body can stop anyone from using it … no one owes it for even the founders can not do so. And they can be adopted not only by one person nor just a community nor a race but the whole of human race … free access by anyone in this four corners of the earth.

Used as a practice by anyone …. or adopt it as a name of your dog … child … who cares… you are free as anybody to do so.

Just the same admiring and following the works of famous and world renowned people is free … accessible … anybody can display a reproduction of their work…

What is unusual is that when one person admiring a work or ideology or religious practice known only to his or her country or by him or her alone …

…and another identity… purporting to be of another nation displays to admire the same where in fact is not famous in his or her nation and more coincidences are similar with them.. then there is certainty that the 2 identity are the same.

In this world …. There is always probability that eliminates the odds of coincidence and impossibility …

…. you can take any word and use it at your own pleasure … you are free … thus it is not improbable that 2 or more persons have the same name … birthday … place …likes … etc etc.

It is good to be critical...because we are the rational animals, but when it exceeds the truth … that is another thing …

To accept one’s mistake and fault is humility and one should do so … but to accept an accusation which in fact is not true is stupidity.

For whatever it is worth ...

For what ever wrong done..... the debt is paid .

2006
jbaltazar.

MUSIC

2008-01-19T04:11:00.000-05:00

Music that I want ...

MY MOM'S DAY....

2008-01-15T02:27:00.000-05:00

This morning …when I opened my eyes it was you who I remembered first

You know you are not getting any younger

So you have to take care of your self

Thank you for everything

I can see your smiles from afar

I can hear your voice …singing your favorite songs

I can see your moves dancing in the air

I can feel your touch

I may not be there physically but in thoughts and in spirit I am with you

Well happy birthday Mom….
I LOVE YOU

JEANS

2008-01-13T02:41:00.000-05:00

Just a typical Saturday …had a couple of beers with a friend while I am doing this post … I did not go out this Saturday.

Shopping time ….

Tomorrow I’ll go at Macy’s …at 34th street to buy jeans. Wanted to buy a pair Citizen’s for humanity the dark denim. And probably grab a bite at Gray’s Papaya … well the best hot dog in town. Then have some walking and buy a hoodie at Abercrombie and Fitch … I saw this blue jersey hoodie last year and I really wanted to get it.

I do not usually shop anything at once … it will take me time to decide whether to buy the stuffs I want. Well not an Impulsive Buyer type …. I do not buy it at once and in the next day if it is still there …then it was really meant for me to buy it. And hoping to wait it to go on sale……. It helps not to be in a rush … saves you the bucks …. And it helps you realize whether or not you really want it.

Now I am yawning ….. I guess I’ll go get my 40 winks

BETHUNE ST.

2008-01-09T10:30:00.001-05:00

> I slept over … without posting this last night …

It has been a long day yesterday… but a quiet one …. and I guess it was ok. I woke up at 6 am … and I had breakfast, big breakfast at 7 am … then went to the library to read. I need some work to get done…so I stayed there till lunch. Had kebab for lunch…

Then I went for a walk to the house of my friend Diane at Bethune St. … a swiss widower living at Bethune St. she and her husband are artist …nice apartment ..high ceilings … no furniture just the perfect spot to contemplate and draw …the building where mostly artists of this side of the city live young and old .. I did a sketch there ….

This times I like drawing a lot … it makes me feel good specially when I am at Diane’s place…she draws but most of the time writes poems … well I regret I cannot read her poems because it is all in Swiss .

Diane … I met here in Union Square park she was sitting on a bench with her note book writing some poems…

….well has some problems with remembering she met an accident 10 years ago …. And that impaired her coherence and memory of things. She has to ask me questions from time to time … like Drew Barrymore in 51st dates … but such a sweet lady….she needs to be reminded from time about things.

But I like talking to her she knows a lot about things …cool old lady. She drinks a “Shnoop shnoop” …a glass of wine at dinner and she likes eating swiss cheese a lot.

I enjoyed my whole day today reading … then went to visit a friend and we shared making art… talking about art.

Well nice day … a pleasant day …. My kindda day something I had been looking for …for quite some time.

I miss this kind of bloging …about myself…a bout what I do…

Ed è subito sera

2007-12-26T03:05:00.000-05:00

As the year ends I reflect about my life…the aspects particularly. For the years I have been living I could say that life is strange and the strangest things would come in the years to come…if my life is strange now how stranger could it get?

The revelation of the world we live and breath in is beautiful…sometimes coupled with pain and mystery but most of the time it is vindicated by the awe we often get in exploring this world…
And for this I have thoughts….for life…for people in our lives …for feelings … for change…for myself

FOR LIFE…..

Life is strange…but all in all it’s good….
…. it is ironic as well. As a kid I never was a fan of fairytales …
and funny …just about when I am growing older I somehow entertain the thought that …well maybe fairytales do exists. We all have our own fairytales in life. Those which we least expect …and you wish some one would shake you off or rub your eyes to be sure all is not but a dream. The kinds that you wish it would really happen… probable but it is too good to be true.

And as I see it could be viewed as a run… a long... long run and as it goes on…we see the world as it is …the faces of people we know and not know…the neighborhood that we are used to ....our comfort zones …. Some people run for a while but their runs are short because maybe they just run through their daily old routine…and so they get tired …. some people run a long run …tiring but rewarding… …and sometimes we want to get out of our circles and go beyond the route we used to have and we explore…for the wilderness….and it is rewarding….I have been running the long one to expect it to be rewarding….a good one

FOR FEELING GOOD…

It is always an amazing feeling to feel good about something…someone…someplace….it could be the redness and the roundness of an apple you are about to eat…the beauty of the sunset you just saw on a sea….the smoothness of the horse ride you are now having…

For me I can always feel good about anything….the sight of the infinite horizon that tells me the answers to my queries….and a morning that I wake up and I see it... and in my head is all cleared up from all cobwebs …you know the once you want to clear…but you never have he chance to do so

Sometimes just thinking of nothing seems to make us feel good it unleashes all the pressures and tension of thinking too much

FOR PEOPLE THAT COME IN OUR LIVES

…it is like writing a story or verses…in it we put words to form our stories…some words we put are unnecessary and it does not do any good in the story…some words maybe appropriate and it helps …but it makes the story too long….and sometimes boring…but there are some words which are meant to be there to make the heart of the story…like people some may be unnecessary…some may be necessary but not essential…and some make up the heart of our own story….

FOR CHANGE…

It may be for the good or for the bad but all in all it must always happen….
Pante rei, ouden menei - everything goes by, nothing stays forever…it is necessary for the cycle of life to flow. It may be like the droplets of rain to end some cycles of life and give birth to new forms….or the change shift of a roller coaster ride… for if there isn’t any so then life would be boring….

FOR MYSELF…

As for me I am like a child this Christmas hoping for a long waited gift to be given….I long for the gift of enlightenment….that I seek…that all of presumptions be a given fact and not just a false theory or thought…

I do not need an aid for my vision… for I now see…

Like a giant in front of me…the one who has been sleeping but has awaken….

I just need a rubber stamp or a rub in the eye to tell me that all of this goodness that the world brings is not but a dream….but a reality…

My self is a hard person to know... even me sometimes does not understand her…she is stubborn…and a “Doubting Thomas”…skeptic…I think I need to open up for the coming year….

CONCLUSION
We are all just alone in this world who came from the womb …given the rational mind to think each of our own courses to travel…for a journey…to seize everything we have got in this life time…because time is too fast and yet there are so many things that we should do…

if we just take all of what we have for granted then before realizing the goodness of life it would be too late to appreciate and comes night….to dark to see….too late to work…to tired to think….as Salvaore Quasimodo had said:

"EVERYONE STANDS ALONE IN THE HEART OF THE EARTH

PIERCED BY A RAY OF SUNLIGHT

AND IT IS SUDDENLY NIGHT"....

Happy New Year...

…New Hopes…..New way to view the world and life…. TNX TO MY FRIEND NICO FOR ADVICING ME THAT THIS SKETCH GOES ALONG WITH THIS POEM...

THE ELUSIVE ONE...

2007-12-22T19:38:00.000-05:00

Christmas is elusive….

Christmas is a time when illusions come into reality. An enchanting time not only for children but for the hopeful…a time to forgive even the unforgiven…a time of courage even for the cowardice. For this nothing can go wrong during his season.

It is a time not to curl your mouth down but to curl it up…to let go of the clench fist but into an open palm… to show affection rather than hate or disgust.

It is not only a time to give and receive presents…or put and appreciate a mistletoe and a Christmas tree in each of our homes…or a get together with relatives and friends.

Wherein strict rules are relaxed and exceptions are made to laws. To heal all wounds that need to mend…to loosen up. To remove all anxieties and worries not only of your own but of the whole world. To be the little boy or the little girl that we once used to be.

Throwing away the bygones that has been haunting us like ghost in the painful and bitter past, so as to put a space within ourselves for new pleasant and wonderful things…experiences and people that would want to knock our door for the coming new year...

When everyone has the urge to reinvent themselves from who they were to who they really are.

It is to seize every moment even if the season is so fast just like a blink of an eye. For the memories may never come back…the laughter may never be heard…the moment may never be still as pictures for us to remember….but rather a void recollection of “BUTs”,
“WHAT Ifs’”,” SHOULD'VEs”,” COULD'VEs’”…and they’ll all be water under the bridge.

We would never really understand its elusiveness that drives almost everyone to all of this, but then again this season serves not only a purpose to do something once a year but for life…

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU….

And I think this is the perfect season to tell someone your Christmas message and….
ALL OF YOU ARE FREE TO WRITE YOUR CHRISTMAS MESSAGE ON THIS ENTRY TO WHOM EVER YOU MIGHT WANT TO GIVE ONE…PLEASE FEEL FREE…

re·gres·sion (rĭ-grěsh'ən)

2007-12-20T12:12:00.000-05:00

It was better then when little and helpless …
inside a dark poach …

Instead of the blinding light
t’was a tranquil darkness

Instead of akwardness
in a comforting position….where knees are curled…
….. hands embraced the body

Instead of noise
….a constant wave…
… heart beat that overcomes the silence
and after A

TUNNEL PASSED

Instead of beasts and vampires
A loving woman …
being snuggled…loved cared

…..nothing to worry about ….

When
just a soft cry but proudly …

… all needs are given and met ….

and then put in a hush…

now i am not …

just want to be back there…. nowhere else

Technorati Profile

Laços

2007-12-19T06:53:00.000-05:00

When you lost someone …you get to be confused ...disoriented…lost…biter…angry with the world.

FACT OF LIFE::
There are different ties we have for each and every person who comes in our lives…we have our family…our special someone….we have our friends, some are our good friends some are just our friends …we have our acquaintances….and in these relationships we have with them there are different kinds of ties or connection…..

Thus in the lines of the boy there are those:
FIRM ONES:

THE HARD ONES THAT ARE HARDER TO DO AND UNDO

BUT WHEN ARE DONE AND AFTER WORDS UNDONE CAN BE PROUD OF
THEMSELVES AND SAY WITH BELIEF “I WAS A GREAT BOW…”

These I think are the ties we make with the people who are special to us. These kinds of ties are those which are not easily cut by absence …length of neither time…nor distance.

For me the best line in the dialogue that had gotten into me was:

THAT IS SILLINESS TO CRY FOR TIES THAT SEEM TO BE UNDONE, BUT ARE STILL FIRM.

SOME TIES ARE STUBBORN. SOMETIMES YOU THINK “PUF THEY GO!” BUT THEY ARE STILL HERE. JUST LIKE SOME KINDS OF LOVE.

The Physical absence like for example death or distance of some people in our lives… who we have such firm ties does not define our connection with them or their true existence in our lives. For if we believe that physical presence is the only way to define our connections or our ties then we have a shallow meaning of them. And we be forever lost in the belief that they have been gone.

What defines how firm and stubborn our ties then? It is in the process of making the ties which defines them. Simply put… it is on the effort…their effort… the memories you have made with these persons that made the tie between you and not with the things that happen after you establish the tie. Once a firm tie is made it remains stubborn to untie.

Some ties are loose and so when the tie is undone then it is gone with their absence. For if a loose tie is made then it can easily be untied. These are those we have for people who come and go in our lives that do not actually leave a space within our hearts. They may leave an impression but that’s just it …impression may come and go …it may be forgotten.

For me in my life I have tied only few bows but usually I make firm ties. I make it a point that it will be a proud tie. How about you? How many bow have you tied? How do you like them tied?

IDOL

2007-12-17T01:07:00.000-05:00

THIS IS FOR MY BEST FRIEND AND HER FATHER

Death is at once
The end of the body's
Old journey
And the beginning of the soul's
New journey.
~~~~
I do not know why…when someone dies …we cry. And I cannot reconcile about the belief that passing away is just ending something temporary and beginning something eternal…Well it is easy to say verses to console but it is hard to cope up for a loss.

Tonight …my wits are dull no words that I can compose of…I am in deep sadness…not only for the loss of my very good friend but for my very own loss as well…

I just learned that the father of my best friend passed away yesterday in a stroke. I do not know how to feel. I want to reach out to my friend but hell…how will I? I do not have a direct line to my friend’s phone.

Thoughts came running in my mind…the last time I saw him he was still full of life…In my mind I could see his smile…his chuckle when I threw a joke…

I do not know why he was called IDOL by his friends…. Maybe because there was some greatness in him that they say. All I know was that he was this man who loved my best friend so much.

He was this man I knew since I was a child. With a salt and pepper hair…husky voice…driving the orange DPWH orange pick up…a thoughie ...one you would think that he always means business…. and because of that I always thought he was someone to be scared of. He was always out of the house... busy with his work. But whenever I called up my best friend and a husky voice would say “HELLO”…I would then be scared and hung up the phone. And when I went to their house and visit my friend I would not be making much of the talking when he was around.

…..to my mind that time HE WAS THE DAD OF MY BES FRIEND….

When me and my best friend grew older we separated paths…. I went away to pursue my studies and to work as a lawyer. And then…I went back to my home town and I visited my best friend…I saw him... still the man with white hair but a bit more older. And as time went by as I usually go by their house to visit my best friend... I would be amazed with such a realization….the though man that I saw and perceived as someone who was uptight had loosen up.

This time it was not the though side that I saw in him…his sweet side…

… I was amazed to see the man whom I usually felt an air of fear was such an old sweet guy. And when I enter their home I would see him on the couch watching TV. If he would know I just came in he would over me some peanuts …the one he would be munching at day time.
He always have his warmth…We became text mates. On special occasions he would send a greeting. And when ever I send him gifts…he never failed to send me his gratitude.

Gone was the vitality of a tough man …someone tired but someone who had have the best of his years. Gone was the husky voice that would scare my wits off…but a silence that I would understand with all sincerity. Gone was his busy hectic schedule for work…but a calm relaxed day to enjoy the true worth of living…..

This time he was not only THE DAD OF MY BEST FRIEND, but rather HE WAS MY SECOND DAD…MY FRIEND …MY TEXT MATE…

The last time I saw him…he was still ok. Well he could not speak but you can see in is eyes that he was happy being with his family. ..thankful to be alive each day and enjoying the joys of everyday living. To wake up day by day…smell the flowers…eat a sumptuous meal that either his wife or her daughter had prepared for the day. To visit the city proper once in a while and to eat the Norte Empanada …even for everyday.

Those were the last memories I have for him…before I left Vigan. And now this cold night in New York …wondering why I never heard anything from my best friend for quite sometime…the news of his death struck me. HE IS GONE….

When I will be back to Vigan he will be one of he memories I will miss…he is a part of the Vigan which I left. And my Vigan will never be the same again.

To where ever he is right now …I hope he is happy. To the memories he had left…I am sure it will be cherished very much…to his legacy…

To my best friend:
Ate…agininom nak tatta ditoy …nadamag ko keni Maita nga awan ni Papang mun…ni Tatta Lito…nakigto tak kasla haan nak pay mamati …ket diay imabagak tattay haan ko amo nu anya ti marik nak. Umuna unay ti marikriknam…amok nu kasano ti panagayat mo keni tatang mo….napalalu la unay. Maykadwa: ti marikriknak…ngamin ket naiyasideg met ti riknak keni tatang mun…han la nga TATANG MU ti panag kitak kanya nan nu ket di gayem ken may kadua nga amak isunan….

Anya ngarud ate…amin nga tau ket pumanaw ditoy nga lubong…ti la question nu sino ti umununa ken sino iti mabati….kasta met ti biag…aglalo datayo nga ananak…agpalubos tayo kanya da nga nagpadakel ken nagayat kanya tayo…..ta isu ti kalintegan ti lubong…ken kalintegan ti naturales ti amin nga agbiyag….haan mo babalawen ti panag panaw na ta numampay kasta haan met nga talaga nga naawan isuna adan latta isuna ti panunot mo ken pusom ken ti panunot ken puso na met. Ate tibkeram ti panunot ken riknam ada nak latta dioy uray nu adayo nak….

“In the cold of the snow storm….I feel for your pain….I know how much you love your father. And I know he is noble... the greatest thing he did for you ....I know and now I understand why he is IDOL……this post is for him. I am sorry I am not there with you now to comfort you and I am sorry for your loss…really I am best friend…”

WARMTH OF WINTER

2007-12-10T20:44:00.000-05:00

“As soon go kindle fire with snow\ As seek to quench the fire of love with words.”~ William Shakespeare, "Two Gentlemen of Verona"

Winter has set off…

And the golden leaves of fall have fallen down. The first snow has scattered all over the ground turning the surface into a clean white….

The chilly breeze had touched every cheeks and every breath is coupled by a foggy smoke…

The sun has been shy to manifest its rays giving way to the gloomy dim sky of winter.

…or a freezing hands in the middle of long walk….

But then again….

…it does not suffice…

… to kill a furnace that brings a certain kind of warmth…. no mater how cold this season can bring …no matter how gloomy the sound of the breeze in the air whispers in the ear still there is a comforting embrace of warmth

….like a hot coffee in the morning …or a breath of cigarette in mid day…or a hot nice bath at night before going to bed.

The warmth of winter...

…. from a small furnace of a log ….a simple hi….a touch of a hand….a pat in the shoulders….the stare of a piercing eye…a dinner for two and a kiss goodnight …

To a fire setting off its course in the middle of snowy night….

The whispers of nothing … a faint smile turning into laughter…. an expression in the face… a sip of wine…a sweet scent of cologne….

…..an understanding amidst the long breaks of silence… then turns into a pact….

Can bring the furnace to flame into a blaze….

…feeling the rays of the bold sun again stinging in the skin…..a hot sun bath in the middle of the beach….big bone fire that cannot be put off….

….the fog seems to disappear….the whispers become as loud as a jazz music soothing in the ear….every crystal snow melts before it reaches the ground……

...CLEARING THE ICE WITH FIRE

THE BAND

2007-12-10T11:28:00.000-05:00

Such form

Such music

Such an Art

With so many curves

Varied lines

Musicians

Giving me different impressions

….5 at the most

of existence

of worth

of appearance

The fat and short one…the radical….
….always opposing what the others would want

The searcher…always verbal in his opinions…
….but too often a fault finder……

The tall slim guy…the confused…who always go in an action first before the rest….
…ends up cursing or scratching the head….

Another, materialistic and loves to display all his richness
…. But then again values a bond so much….

Alas but not the least…well at least of ihis worth…
The smallest and youngest
…cleans up the dirt ….
…puts so much style in his moves…..
But
Most of all he holds the foundation of the band’s every action
Making their every action and decision as firm as it can be

These 5
make up the band

that plays to me….. the everyday music of my life

with such dexterity

with such form

with such drama

never fails to amuse me

SOMETIMES THE THINGS THAT WE PERCEIVE AS THE
SIMPLIEST FORMS ARE THOSE WHICH OPEN US TO A DOOR OF COMPLEXITIES

ETERNAL DAMNATION

2007-12-08T00:11:00.001-05:00

You speak of eternal damnation…do you have an idea what you are talking about? Well let me tell you what an eternal damnation is :

It is when you continue to think of something or someone continuously like a torture to your soul…….

In the night when you think of the last lines someone has uttered in their lips… and you picture on your mind the passion they have on their eyes when you saw them speak…

And you cannot understand…the meaning of your depth in a day for all of these…and most especially in the night… and they fill your mind…they reach the inner circle of your soul…your senses …and you are bleeding

That is ETERNAL DAMNATION…..

All of this madness and insanity they are bringing to you seems so endless…

Like a ghost that haunts you everywhere…every time…in the morning…in the mid day… and in the night and all you could think of is a face…a voice…a touch…a stare…

Like a dream in the middle of a sleep that you do not want to wake up ..but the dream ends and you want to sleep and dream again but you can not….

That is ETERNAL DAMNATION…

When you are in an enchanting moment and you find yourself lost and the time moves fast and you like for the time to stop but the clock continues to move on moving its hour and minute hand…

In the heat of passion you hope that all of that is happening would never end... but it ends…

When you feel something real and your heart tells you it is ripe but your mind tells you it is too soon for the feeling…

That is ETERNAL DAMNATION…

When you know you deserve to be happy… but you feel you should be sad also….

When you drink all you can to be drunk… but you cannot be intoxicated no matter how

many drink you have had…

That is ETERNAL DAMNATION….

…when you are damned……

That is ETERNAL DAMNATION.

THE CITY AND ME

2007-11-30T17:45:00.000-05:00

The city of New York...day by day as I walk the streets of this city....there is a bit silence but it is as if her voice whispers into my ears telling me her own story, as if she wanting me to know her past to understand more of her present.
She embraces me with her warmth...the culture of the 8 Million people that sojourn in her bossom. 8 million people...of different culture...different races...different causes...different creeds and different reasons for living. It is a wonder how a vast number of population melts in one place and blend a certain culture....the New York culture...that is.
Yes there is no place like New York...as if she has meant to be the solace of lost souls like mine ....the home of my body. It is an old City but it is trancedental and dynamic to the changing of time. It's grandeur remains with the fact that while it changes and runs with the phase of time it retains the richness of her history thus her own story to share every traveler that wanders her four corners....
The City that never sleeps....the place where you can see people in black...walking so fast in a rat race everyday...the 24 hour bars...the sound of the FDNY engine and the NYPD car even late at night....the subways and the yellow taxis...the slices of pizza during lunchtime....the deli....the hot dogs ..the baseball games at Yankee stadium....the wtaer taxis...
.....the Central Park....the Chrysller Bulding....the Statute of Liberty....the Wall Street...Grand Central....Time Square especially at night....and yes the Empire state Building...the Rockefeller Building...St. Patrick's Cathedral...the Brooklyn Bridge...the Lincon Tunnel....the 4 Borroughs ...Manhattan...Brooklyn....Bronx....Staten Island...Queens...all of tmake up the City into one dimension..of time being lost from all other worlds
Nueva York ...is a place not only for artists...lovers..traders but also soul searchers. ...slowly she guides souls into a journey..into the road of compassion and leads them out from the fear of the unknown hence ..into their truest selves out from inhibitions and gallantly ..to be a true blood new yorker. Firm but not rude....snob not arrogant....independent but not selfish....unmedling but not apathetic....
This is my home...this is who I am and this is me

SO FAR SO GOOD

2007-11-15T01:13:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was not just like any other day….if any other day is colored gray, I would describe yesterday as a techni color one. I had it lightly filled with answers and finally ( I hope) I’m finding my way back home. Little by little the fragments of good memories I left slowly coming back as if leading me to where I should be going.

Now I realize I am just one of those people suffering from amnesia. That memories and the feelings that I once had, have been robbed by time and circumstances that had happened accidentally. Well so far so good I think I am doing fine. I hope I get to have this kindda feeling everyday.

CHANGE

2007-11-07T04:07:00.000-05:00

I SEARCH

I WAITED…………….

I LOST BALANCE

I REMEMBER

I AM CONFUSED

I WONDER

WHY THERE IS CHANGE

THE JOURNEY

2007-10-31T01:17:00.000-04:00

As of this moment I could not understand what is happening with me. As if I have been in a long journey, a journey that has been so rough yet full of adventure with someone with me. The journey seems to be quite fascinating that there is a part of me enchanted wanting still to stay on that enchanted place and yet another part of me is finding a way home but couldn’t.

Now the journey is over and my companion seems to find his way home but as for me I am so lost and confused to find my own way home. Little by little I am trying to remember the turns I have made by reviving the feelings that I have for things just as I have left them. I know it would take time but I am willing and determined to move away from that enchanted place and be back to the real world. I hope along the way I would not be lost and make a wrong turn to be back to that place I am trying to move away.

Someday when all of these confusion becomes clear and feel that I am finally home, I would see my companion and say it was quite hell of a journey, I enjoyed it with you. I would ask him, all the questions why and how in the world we were ever in that journey.

ANSWERS IN THE SKY

2007-10-29T23:30:00.000-04:00

Clouds
Sometimes If ask myself a question

And if I cannot find the answer

I look up the sky

And wonder

Why…

How…

What…

When..

Sometimes its face is cloudy

And so I cannot find the answer

The sky does not know the answer

Sometimes the sky is clear

And it gives me the answer

Because the sky knows the answer

BUT

Sometimes it rains

And so I cannot have the answer …

…but I know the sky know the answer this time but

Is just sad to tell the truth of the answer….

WHAT IS A FRIEND?

2007-10-26T01:30:00.000-04:00

Just one impression and you turn a friendship out. In this world I do not know how friendship is made. Is it how you look at one person the first time you see him or her is it how you see him or her grow by the times you are friends.

Sometimes or more often than not the world is a crazy world one time you make friends the next time you lose some. And the hardest part is when what you lose are those friendship you value most.

I cannot understand why friendship have barrieirs…language for example… time…circumstances, etc etc. Why does friendship end when you feel you are most comfortable with at that stage? It is such a stupid and ironic concept of life. Why does friendship between a man and a woman have boundaries whereas friendship between the same gender does not have? Why does it hurt so much to lose a friend? Why?

Why is friendship strange when you feel you are most comfortable with and why the barriers? And why you feel you have to let go when you feel it so good to keep em? Why?

What is it between friendship and love? Is there an unwritten rule between the bounds of friendship and love especially between a man and a woman? Why does one of them feel one has to let go when everything is doing much ok? Why? Answer me please?

If that is the case then I would not want to interact the opposite sex to be a friend…You know it is really hard to let go and much harder to end friendship when you feel and know you feel much comfortable with?

Why is it that when one feel so much comfortable with the other the other more often misunderstand? Why? What is it that they call friendship? Am I missing something here? Tell me because I am willing to know….

Why is the word friendship invented in the first place if it does not work when it goes deeper and profound? Damn that word if it does not work! Damn people if they do not feel the word at all!

Now you tell me what is friendship all about? Tell me how it works and I tell you if it is friendship I feel. All I think is that friendship is a word which means that two people are willing to go beyond the bounds of earth to help each other. To be an ear when the other needs a third. ….does it need to be the same sex to call someone a friend? I think Mr. Webster is wrong then and need to be modified what indeed is a friendship. Who are these we can so call friends?

Are they someone who pierce our heart and let us stop for a moment? Now I am confused what is indeed a friend?

CHASED BY DREAMS

2007-09-30T02:02:00.000-04:00

Last night I had a lot of thoughts by they seem to be racing up but my wits cannot seem to cope up. I wanted to do a lot of things just not to remain idle….for if I remain so I get bored and the next thing I know I will again be doing the inevitable.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and on the process it gave me a lot of realization. But these realizations do not seem to wake me up.

The more I ran away as fast as I can from reality the more I become so confuse. As if my heart resents me pleading to face whatever there is to face and to figure things out before I find my way out and to head back home.

After a while…. I am afraid I never been home, and I desperately want to be back home.
The more I repress myself to do the things my mind tell me not to do, the more I get so confused.

I dream a lot in my sleep…pleasant dreams. Dreams that are surreal that unlike reality it only gives you the best of times and not accompanying the feeling of guilt. There are some things that make you feel so good but such comes out of timing…. one writer once said “It was the best of times and yet the worst…”

TODO

2007-08-31T01:43:00.000-04:00

(RAIN)

Narigat nu kastoy nga agtudtodo…

awan maaramid…

makapalaladot….

Uray panag panunot ti suraten ti Ingles ket makapasasadot.

Kagurak man nu kastoy nga pinagtutudo.

Ada liday nga kadua na ti kada mesa nga tedted iti todo.

Kasla makisangsangit kanyak ti langit…

agladladingit nuanya man ti marikrik nak….

Nu nalpas na nga isibog ti amin …

….nga naurnong na nga danum

NABASA TI TYEMPO

naladladingit manen

NGEM….

NU MAMINSAN

Nasayaat met ti pinagtotodo…

Kalsa met la rikna ti tau…

Kalpasan na ket ….

SUMAYAAT MAN TI TIYEMPON

ASLA

PANGSAAYAAT TI RIKNA…..

nu nalpas nga maisangit amin nga dapat isangit

THE RIDE

2007-08-26T19:17:00.000-04:00

This laptop is beginning to be my best friend, for the past few days I am beginning to be attached to it. As if I consider it as a repository of all my thoughts for if I would not shed off all of it I might lost my mind in contemplation.

Why is it that there are things better left unsaid and yet we continue to be intrigue? Even if we have an idea of what those things are still we continue to find out and explore those unuttered words. A question which remains unanswered leaves us hanging and distracted, fearing that behind the answer to such question is a probability that could never become a reality because of the want of such answers.

Empty, idle and lost.

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR

2006-12-09T19:56:00.000-05:00

“What are you waiting for?” Did someone ask you this question already? Exactly what is the meaning of this question? If we try to think about it there are a lot of meanings of this question. It depends on what is in the frame of mind of the person asking and the circumstances of the person being asked.
People have different perspective in life some would want it to take it easy while others would want to take things so fast. Other’s are just contended with what they have while some would want more to happen or to achieve in their lives.
What is there to wait in life? Is it the fact that we have to achieve something in our own fields and careers? Is it someone that would complete us and make us whole? Is it something that we are obliged to do or ought to do? Or is it a mission that we ourselves still don’t know. That is the mystery.
The question sometimes pressures the person being asked to do something which he should do but he or she is not doing something about it. But what if, what is being waited is not yet in existence or not visible or it is yet unknown? How then can we answer such a question?
Did it ever occur to you to stop a while to think and ask yourself, “How is my life? Am I doing what I really should do, obliged to do or should I do something I really wanted to?” People rush in to things because they just want to achieve something that they think they want to do but then again in reality they have chosen a path which leads them to emptiness. Why? Because the truth of the matter is that they are confused with something that they think they really want to do with something they really should or obliged to do, born out of necessity and blind perception of maybe influences, material things or whims and caprices and not what their passion dictates.
Some people believe that there is no time for waiting and things should be done right away without carefully thinking or studying. However there are also those who wait and see, studying carefully their next move to know what they really want to do instead of doing what they should do. I don not mean that these kind of people are the passive kind, no not at all, they too are people in action but have to study and scrutinized their every move.
Life is not something to rush on to. It is a journey to a destination, the path of which we don’t know. Hence such journey can be said to be “THE FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN.” As a lost traveler, one must use his or her head and at the same time instinct if logic does not apply or both. A traveler cannot use only his or her instinct if logic and the facts are so clear to lead him to a way where his aim or goal is.

It is a pity that sometimes when one is being asked with such a question as above, he or she is driven by thoughts that somehow waiting is inutile, that one must act mechanically without thinking and so decisions which result to a way lead into the wrong way and not achieving the goal …of what he or she really wants. And so mistakes are often committed. And when this happen as likened to a lost traveler, he or she becomes frustrated and becomes disillusioned that the destination will never be reached, to do that which is desired by his or her passion. Hence becomes lost in the woods of despair and misery.
Waiting is always associated with patience. If we have patience to wait for something or someone then surely the right decisions will lead us to achieve our goals it is our map in going about our journey. We make our own path, our own fate and as such we should be very careful …to wait that is, with our choices and decisions in every aspect of our lives. No one is accountable for the life of an individual but himself alone.
But when what is being waited is obviously there and the person being asked is not doing anything about it then the question comes into play as an eye opener a push for an action to be done by the person being asked. Simply put, if nothing is done then time will only dragged the thing or person being waited and throws it into delay thus waiting is no longer the question but an opportunity wasted. Well this is for those who does not have to wait and know very well all there is in front of him or her and there is a crystal clear path to travel the journey of life.
Me, I still don’t know what I am waiting for I’m just here contemplating what am I waiting for. Maybe an unaccomplished business….hmmmm to save an innocent man from being put to jail or worst to death?… an opportunity to write a good book?… to become somebody someday?…I still don’t know, but I surely want to wait, You….. “What are you waiting for?”

NOTHING

2006-10-24T18:00:00.000-04:00

Well I have not written a single word for quite some time now....now I just want people to know I still exists and I could think of anything to write. Sometimes your mind is clear, your thoughts just pass you never noticing the things that were in your mind.
In the pass few days I have been wanting to write but have no time to do so....its kindda ironic...now I have time but I could not remember the things that I wanted toggle in here. Hmmm well I just thought of life being soooo like this. When there so little time there are a lot of things to do and when you have time you could not think of those things you have missed and wanted to do when you haven't got a minute.
I have an ample of time in front of the net but then again I wonder what would I speak of...now where the hell is my mind. Maybe I was so preoccupied with a lot of things that now my mind just want an empty piece of it.
Nothing....niente sometimes creates a lot of things to speak or write of. Just exactly what does the word means? Beats me. Now I think of nothing but I am toggling some words here. Now I wonder does nothing really means itself or is there something behind the nothng ness...the voidness to speak of. Nothing sometimes speaks of silence and as they say silence speaks more than a thousand words. What then am I speaking right now? Am I speaking a thousand words or just nothing at all.
Well maybe nothing at all...just want you to know I'm back. And maybe the next time I can figure out the words I have been wanting to write and bring back my wits. Well talk about clearing all the cobwebs......

DESTINY: IS IT BY BIRTH OR BY CHOICE

2006-07-31T01:45:00.000-04:00

There are some things that can over come loneliness and frustration….these are the things that matter most to you. But just when you think that you have over come your self and what time is imposing you to get thru you begin to seek the soltitude that being alone can bring you. Just when you think you are having fun and you’ll be alright the mind seeks you to drop everything you have been exhausting to cover up what it is imposing you to face and go thru…the excruciating pain of contemplating reality.

Awhile ago I was with my family reminiscing history of how I came into existence. My family was having meeting of how to go about the big plan of a grand reunion and of producing a book. Now I have a thought, the past was all so simple when we were just kids nothing to worry about but what to play or whom to play with. Or it was even simplier then when I was not yet in existence. But the turn of events…my grandpa and grandma met having my ma and my ma and pa by chance have met and having me had all these things happen to bind me now in my ordeal?

When is a person’s fate destined to happen? Is it from the time he or she is conceived that all the things that would bound to happen will definitely happen to him or her? Or is it the circumstances or the choices one makes that make the fate of a person happen… I wonder?

For if it was written and bound to happen just when my existence here on this earth was certain then I would not blame myself of what I am going through right now otherwise I would be guilty of my imprudence. But come to think of it? Did I choose to take up law and become a lawyer ? Is it my own demons after all that have led me to be so confused? What makes up a person’s life and fate? Am I to be blame for he things that is happening to me that should not happen?

THINGS WE SHOULD NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR

2006-07-03T01:00:00.000-04:00

Being sorry is an act of humility thus there are some things that we should really be sorry for like when we've wronged someone or we did something with malice. Those are acts we should be ashamed doing and thus an apology to the passive party is needed. Be it as it may there are some things which should not apologized for. Like, who we are as long as we don’t hurt anybody, we would be unfair to ourselves if we try to pretend to be someone else we are not just to please someone or worse the whole world. Things that we have or possess because we deserve having them through hard work and others don’t have or reaching a stature of life that was are destined to be at or have long been waiting to be awarded to us because of merits...the love of people who had loved us since birth or those who we wooed, these are blessings that we should not be guilty having. Being sorry for everything and for everybody has been always been a problem of mine. Sometimes I get so paranoid with a lot of things. If things are messed up, it somehow upsets me thinking I have something to do with it. Or if some person gets mad I begin to think the anger is addressed to me. Worst sometimes if I have something and another does not have it... I feel guilty.
While I was rummaging papers piled on my desk at the office I have come across a print out of this list of the so called things that we should never apologize. This list if my memory is correct has been an email which was sent to me by a friend. I find it worth keeping for so I bothered to print it out to remind me that we should not always be sorry for all the things that we do or have. And so the list goes:
Message:
1. Never apologize for pursuing what makes you happy. Even if you need to quit your job, transfer schools, or move across country, always do what you really want.
2. Never apologize for using proper English. Keeping it real doesn't mean speaking Ebonics.
3. Never apologize for giving your best in a relationship that just didn't work out.
4. Never apologize for being successful. Only haters want to keep you at their level.
5. Never apologize for crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express yourself.
6. Never apologize for ten pounds you need to lose. People who truly care about you will accept you as you are.
7. Never apologize for being frugal. Just because you save your money instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn't mean you're cheap.
8. Don't apologize for being a single parent. Babies are blessings.
9. Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to showyourself some appreciation.
10. Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.
11. Never apologize for keeping the ring even if wedding bells won't chime.
12. Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves.
13. Never apologize for saying NO.
14. Never apologize for asking for what you want in bed. If you don't, then who will?
15. Never apologize for wearing a weave. You bought it so it's yours.
16. Never apologize to your new friends about old friends. There's a reason she's been your girl from day one.
17. Never apologize for ordering dessert. Or more than one dessert.
18. Never apologize for dating outside your race. Just because you found Mr.Right across the color line doesn't mean you don't love your brothas.
19. Never apologize for not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma you know how to order good take out.
20. Never apologize for your taste in clothes. It's your style.
21. Never apologize for changing your mind.
22. Never apologize for exercising your right to choose. It's your body and your right.
23. Never apologize for making more money than your man, you work hard and you deserve to get paid.
24. Never apologize for being you! "KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND KEEP MOVING FORWARD"
The pursuit of happiness is to do anything our heart desires as long as it is right and in enriching one self is not at the expense of others…then there is nothing to apologize for. If we think we are not being treated right and we are not given what is due to us we should speak out without any drop of guilt in our veins…life is good as long as we live it right.

THERE ARE MANY WHY's

2006-06-29T20:00:00.000-04:00

There are many why’s and what’s in life… we ask to know why and what…we ask other people that question but sometimes the answers are not given to ask and we are left to question ourselves.

A Long Lost Verse

2006-06-28T14:30:00.000-04:00

June 14, 2006 it was...well my birthday ..I was on my way to an 8 hour drive trip, I have to attend an important meeting...when I opened a text message from a very long time friend of mine. I knew it was a birthday greeting of some sort but ...as I read on the lines, it came to me that they were very familiar. The lines were too much familiar for me to forget as if it have been a part of me. Only to find out at the end of the text message that indeed it was one of my creation way back when I was still giving into in my own demons deep within. My friend Dang...well sige na nga (I have to give her the credit) did went over her blue corona notebook journals way back and she tried to find that poem I wrote which she copied it there....well that was the best b-day text I ever received. And the poem goes like this:

HOW
( 1993 )
I just like you
just
like Outlaws like anarchy
I want you
Just
As communism wants equality
I rely on you
Just as
A perfectionist relies on practice
I respect you
Just as a
Country respects one’s religion
I believe you
Just as
The French believed in a revolution
I trust you
Just as
The Judiciary cherishes its laws
I miss you
Just as like an
outcast misses society
I love you
Just as
Poets love creating verses
I belong to you
Just as
The earth belongs to the Universe
I could not imagine that that poem was written almost 13 years ago and she had managed to preserve it in her old blue reliable thorn and tattered journals. So to you Dang Thanks a lot for giving me back...or rather maybe...for reminding me this poem.

Dig my Ditch so you can Pierce the Veil....

2006-06-07T12:42:00.000-04:00

There is in evryone of us a ditch...

where we feel comfortable....
where we find ourselves...in our comfort zone....it is warm.....
all embracing.....
Maybe silent or filled with noise but in that silence or noise we find the answers to our questions....
the ditch it is where we become our truest selves....
IN MY DITCH...
you can find ME
.... you can hear my voice in your mind though I am speechless
....you can see my image vividly even though I am invisible'

Thus by entering MY DITCH ...you PIERCE MY VEIL